I’ll tell you what….there’s nothing worse than working
tirelessly for something great, just to get nothing in return. Unfortunately,
this is the story of my life. Except for Patrick….I kissed a lot of frogs and
finally it paid off with Patrick. But why in the hell would the universe allow
a kind and caring couple go through an entire pregnancy just to have a
stillborn 3 days before their scheduled C-section?? Mind you, I was absolutely terrified
of pregnancy, giving birth, and the whole nine. I’m 32, gravida 1, para 0. It’s
just not fair when I look around and see some of the absolute shittiest people
with more than one beautiful child. That’s what’s messed up with the world…..the
shitty people get to procreate, while good people like Patrick and I get to
watch our firstborn die. I've never been this pissed off at the world, nature,
the universe….forget god….if god was real, this kind of shit wouldn't happen. I
have anxiety, a mother’s body, depression, a medicine cabinet full of new
pills, and no child. I also have this crazy urge to mother like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I'm dying to mother some child. I even have dreams about it almost every night. I have dreams about little boys, babies, ones where my Samuel didn't die, ones where someone has given me a baby to take care of, ones where I find children that need a mother....you wouldn't believe it. It's pretty crazy. One of my very best friends told me the other day on the
phone that I was the happiest person she had ever known. It’s so crazy because I
never realized that I exude such happiness. Not right now though….definitely not now.
Well…I guess I hide my sadness in front of people. I even hide it in front of
my family. The only one that really witnesses it is my beloved husband. Oh my Patrick…I
have no idea what I would ever do without him. He is definitely my life’s
biggest prize. He is the greatest and sweetest, most wonderful person to grace
my life. If it weren't for him, I just wouldn't be able to survive. And Patrick,
my beloved, doesn't even get to have support because I am such a mess. This was
not supposed to happen! The worst part….the WORST part is that I feel
absolutely guilty. I feel guilty because everyone was expecting me to have a
beautiful son and I didn't. I feel guilty because I feel like that if I just
would've insisted on having the C-section on the Friday of my last appointment;
I would've had a live birth. I feel guilty for being so worried that I was
going to have a child with some sort of learning disability or autism. I should've
been worried about not having a baby at all. I know, I know....woulda, coulda, shoulda....tell that to someone else. I fight those thoughts all the time but they somehow creep back in. Another absolutely terrible part
is of this whole shitty experience is that I have to go back to work. Normally this
wouldn't even be an issue but I was one of 7 girls pregnant in the office. Not to
mention, 2 other girls were due the same week as I was. All of them had healthy
beautiful babies. Every single one of them had beautiful healthy babies. It seriously
shakes up my world to think that I am going back to that place where I will be
around all of these great girls, that I made such good friends with, and not have
a baby. There is no happy ending to this story. I've got 2.5 weeks until I have
to go back to reality and function normally, and I am absolutely not ready. I certainly
don’t think I’ll be ready in 2.5 weeks either. I guess you could say that the
only good thing to come out of this whole ordeal is the great support from our
wonderful and amazing friends we have. You know the old saying that you know
who your true friends are when the shit hits the fan….well, I don’t know if
that’s the actual saying but it’s something like that…..anyway, we realized that
we have more friends than we thought. We really do. It’s pretty great just
knowing that in itself. But that is it. That is the only good thing. The end.
