The Rantings of a Mother Without a Child.....

I’ll tell you what….there’s nothing worse than working tirelessly for something great, just to get nothing in return. Unfortunately, this is the story of my life. Except for Patrick….I kissed a lot of frogs and finally it paid off with Patrick. But why in the hell would the universe allow a kind and caring couple go through an entire pregnancy just to have a stillborn 3 days before their scheduled C-section?? Mind you, I was absolutely terrified of pregnancy, giving birth, and the whole nine. I’m 32, gravida 1, para 0. It’s just not fair when I look around and see some of the absolute shittiest people with more than one beautiful child. That’s what’s messed up with the world…..the shitty people get to procreate, while good people like Patrick and I get to watch our firstborn die. I've never been this pissed off at the world, nature, the universe….forget god….if god was real, this kind of shit wouldn't happen. I have anxiety, a mother’s body, depression, a medicine cabinet full of new pills, and no child. I also have this crazy urge to mother like nothing I've ever felt in my life. I'm dying to mother some child. I even have dreams about it almost every night. I have dreams about little boys, babies, ones where my Samuel didn't die, ones where someone has given me a baby to take care of, ones where I find children that need a mother....you wouldn't believe it. It's pretty crazy. One of my very best friends told me the other day on the phone that I was the happiest person she had ever known. It’s so crazy because I never realized that I exude such happiness. Not right now though….definitely not now. Well…I guess I hide my sadness in front of people. I even hide it in front of my family. The only one that really witnesses it is my beloved husband. Oh my Patrick…I have no idea what I would ever do without him. He is definitely my life’s biggest prize. He is the greatest and sweetest, most wonderful person to grace my life. If it weren't for him, I just wouldn't be able to survive. And Patrick, my beloved, doesn't even get to have support because I am such a mess. This was not supposed to happen! The worst part….the WORST part is that I feel absolutely guilty. I feel guilty because everyone was expecting me to have a beautiful son and I didn't. I feel guilty because I feel like that if I just would've insisted on having the C-section on the Friday of my last appointment; I would've had a live birth. I feel guilty for being so worried that I was going to have a child with some sort of learning disability or autism. I should've been worried about not having a baby at all. I know, I know....woulda, coulda, shoulda....tell that to someone else. I fight those thoughts all the time but they somehow creep back in. Another absolutely terrible part is of this whole shitty experience is that I have to go back to work. Normally this wouldn't even be an issue but I was one of 7 girls pregnant in the office. Not to mention, 2 other girls were due the same week as I was. All of them had healthy beautiful babies. Every single one of them had beautiful healthy babies. It seriously shakes up my world to think that I am going back to that place where I will be around all of these great girls, that I made such good friends with, and not have a baby. There is no happy ending to this story. I've got 2.5 weeks until I have to go back to reality and function normally, and I am absolutely not ready. I certainly don’t think I’ll be ready in 2.5 weeks either. I guess you could say that the only good thing to come out of this whole ordeal is the great support from our wonderful and amazing friends we have. You know the old saying that you know who your true friends are when the shit hits the fan….well, I don’t know if that’s the actual saying but it’s something like that…..anyway, we realized that we have more friends than we thought. We really do. It’s pretty great just knowing that in itself. But that is it. That is the only good thing. The end.

I got a job!!

I got a job and I start on August 1! Everything is finally coming together!! I love my city! I love my future husband! I love my life!! Finally finally....I'm not going to have to struggle just to support myself and still have to enlist the help of my parents to keep me afloat! Me and my best friend are going to be sitting pretty. :) :) Now we have to just find a sweet house and things will be even better. :)

So this weekend...we will be going to the Tales Of The Cocktail Bacardi pina colada competition. I must say...if there was ever was a competition I wanted to witness, it would be a pina colada competition. :) Also....the final tryouts for the Honeybees (the New Orleans Hornets dance team) are on Sunday at the House Of Blues and my sweet fiance has agreed to take me so that I can watch. I'm actually interested in seeing the tryouts because I cheered for 10 years. I think Patrick has an ulterior motive for agreeing to go to this with me, so I entered him in a contest to win VIP seats for the event and a photo with the entire dance team. Heeheehee!! Fingers crossed that he wins! LOL! I do love that man...he's so embarrassed that I did that. ;)

Ain't life grand......

I have decided that I never ever want to leave New Orleans. If you've never been outside of the French Quarter, you are so missing out on a wonderful city! I especially love living here with my best friend. Patrick turned to me this morning and said, "We get along so well. Don't we?" I responded, "We sure do." I never ever get bored with my Patrick. We even make each other laugh to tears at least once a day. Quitting my job and moving down here was the absolute best thing I have ever done. It's super rare that I truly step out of my comfort zone and take a blind leap of faith. I guess the reason why is because I've had some bad experiences in the past with doing that. I might be a little crazy but I do learn what works and what doesn't pretty quickly usually. I'll tell you what works....my life right now. I've never ever been happier and I should have put in my 2 weeks notice the day I got back to work after Christmas. Oh well....as the saying goes....hindsight blah blah blah.

:)

I had a mini breakdown this past weekend.....

So....I have been jobless for over 2 months now. It's tough for an independent girl, like myself, to be so dependent and confined to the house and be on no budget as opposed to a tiny one. I think I cried for an hour this past Saturday. Patrick laid down in the bed with me the entire time I was crying. After I finally stopped, he went and got me a snowball and bought us some steaks and some wine for dinner. I have no idea why this guy loves me so much. I do not deserve him.

So....on Monday....I got a call back from the USDA......aaaaaannddddd........drumroll please........I got the job!!!! I will be a Plant Protection and Quarantine Technician starting in July. :) All that crying....and I had a job 2 days later. Haha! Hopefully I can help with my future boss's research on the invasive cactus moth. :) :)

Gosh I love my Patrick!

On another note....Patrick and I will finally be doing engagement photos!!!! I am so excited!! I've got some net things planned. I mean...I only live in one of the most photogenic places in the country. ;)


Until next time............!!!!!!!!

It has been way too long since I've posted here. I guess I'm going to start out by saying that my life, since moving to New Orleans, has gotten 10 times better. I never ever realized that I could love someone as much as I love my Patrick. I love playing house with him, getting to hug him everyday, waking up with him, and even arguing with him. Everything is wonderful. I make him breakfast, coffee, and lunch everyday and we make dinner together when we get home. Everyday that I look at him, I fall more and more under his spell. (Please don't vomit. Haha!!)

So....Here's what's been going on in the past few weeks.....

We've gone to Mardi Gras and St. Paddy's day parades. We've gone on a boat on the Tickfaw River. We've had crawfish boils. We've gone to outdoor concerts and food contests and new restaurants and the park and the quarter and found new places we like and gone back to old places we've been going to for the past 2 years. We've sat in our backyard with our pups while sipping on wine and grilling dinner. We've walked around our neighborhood. We've gone to a Zephyrs game. We've hugged every single day! :)

Other than that.....I have not found a job yet, but I'm looking very hard. i hope something comes up soon. I've thought to have prospects, but nothing yet. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

Anywhoo.....I have to get our chicken marinated for dinner. Until next time........  

(And I promise I won't stay away so long this time.)

No longer a home state girl.....

It's been over 2 months since I have last blogged. I think it's time for a new one. :)

In the past 2 months, my life has completely changed!

The end. :)

Photos of us....

This is really mostly for the ones that aren't connected through facebook. I strongly encourage y'all to open an account. I post so much all the time. It really is the easiest way to keep up with me, daddy.